Ethyl's Turn

Dec 2015: Mom died on December 7, 2015. These plays were inspired by my childhood memories of her crazy card gang. (Four old ladies disguised as sexy young women sit around a table, playing cards and discussing events of the day.) Betty: (shouting) It's your turn, Ethyl. Blanche: She's gone to fetch the snacks. Millie: Someone should talk to her about that boy of hers. Betty: Why? What did he do? Millie: He was caught carving lewd drawings into his desk at school. (Gasps of shock.) Gert: This younger generation is out of control. (Pause) Lewd drawings of what? Others: Yes, what? Millie: I don't want to say it out loud. Gert: Aw, c'mon, Millie. Don't leave us in suspense. Millie: Well, one of them was of a woman's, uh, you know. Blanche: Boobs? Millie: I'm afraid it was far worse than that. Gert: You mean... Millie: That's right. A woman's fanny! (More gasps. Enter Ethyl with a tray.) Ethyl: (cheerfully) Melting Moments anyone? (She places the tray and takes her seat.) Betty: So how's that boy of yours doing in school, Ethyl? Ethyl: Well, he gets very high marks in art class. Betty: He does? That's not what we heard. (laughter.) Ethyl: What's that supposed to mean? Millie: (patronizing tones) We at the school think your son might need a little help to refine his manners. Ethyl: Who? My Darrin? Why, he's a perfect gentleman. (Enter Darrin, aged fifty. He struts past the ladies, opens the door to a nearby bathroom, and takes a leak with the door still open.) Ethyl: Darrin! Close the door! Darrin: Save it, you old windbag! Break: Ugly Doug Hi, everyone. I'm Doug and I'm ugly. I hates being ugly. When you're ugly and you smile, people just want to punch you in the face. And when you're ugly and you wink at a girl, she wants to pluck out your eyeballs and feed them to the birds. And when you're ugly and you want to play the GIT-tar, everyone just wants to break your fingers and take the guitar and smash it over your face. And when you're ugly and you chuck a moon at someone, they think you're paying them a compliment! I HATES BEIN' UGLY! i HATES IT! i DIDN'T NEVER WANT TO BE SO DAMN UGLY! Ethyl: You're one to talk. At least I don't read about my boy in the newspapers. Millie: That? Shane was just having a bad day. Ethyl: And making sure the whole world had it along with him. Betty: How is Shane? Has his case gone to trial yet? Millie: Of course not. There won't be any trial. The arresting officers failed to ask his age. Blanche: American justice in action! Millie: What do you mean by that? Blanche: Just that I hope your school's principal survives to the end of the school year. Millie: My Shane wouldn't hurt a fly! Betty: It's your turn to up the ante. Millie: It is? (Fishing through her purse) I can't find any more change. Will this do? (She pulls out a 45 caliber Magnum and throws it in the middle of the table.) Gert: (horrified) Where in the blazes did you get that? Millie: Yard sale. It's your turn. Break: Blog Svensson (An open mic venue. A woman announces the next performer.) Woman: And now... Blog Svensson! (Enter Svensson with guitar.) Svensson: Ya I'm-a Blog Svensson. From Mongolia. And I would like to start with a song I wrote for my pony's hindquarters. (Playing and singing) I gave my love a salt cube that had no spit. I gave my love alfalfa with no chemicals on it. I gave my love - (The audience boos him and drives him off the stage with thrown objects.) Ethyl: Well if you can bet a gun, I can bet a switchblade. (Fishing through her purse) Now, where is that thing? Hmm. Maybe I dropped it under the table. (She bends over to look, exposing her glorious backside to the camera.) Dear Saint Anthony, come around. A switchblade is lost and must be found. Dear Saint Anthony - Blanche: Why don't you knock off that Catholic mumbo-jumbo. When are you going to come down to my church for a real service? Ethyl: (reappearing) Here it is! (Throwing the knife into the pot) I'll forgive you for that remark, Blanche, (making the Sign of the Cross) in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Blanche: Did you just make the Sign of the Devil at me? Betty: Now, Blanche... Blanche: Keep your demonic rituals to yourself, would you? Ethyl: I've forgiven you once, Blanche. Don't push it. Blanche: What are you trying to do to me? I come over for a card game and I get damned for all eternity! Ethyl: (exploding) You Protty-dogs are all alike! Trying to undermine the one true faith! Blanche: And you Cat-licks are trying to take over the world by outpopulating the other churches with your condom ban! Millie: Ladies! Ethyl: Why you spermicidal maniac! Gimme that gun! (She reaches for the kitty.) Millie: No! (She leans forward, exposing her ample cleavage to the camera, and covers the cache of weapons with her body, leaving Ethyl and Blanche to have it out with their fists.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.