Millie's Turn

Millie: She said she didn't want to get tied down to one man. That's what they're like now. Just fly the coop as soon as it gets inconvenient. Betty: Not like us. We took our wedding vows seriously. Blanche: Yes, and we knew how to stand by our men. When Sam got back from the war, he had this thing he had to do for a while. It was hard on my neck, but I put up with it. Gert: Yes, and I was furious with Jack over those geisha girls, but I got past it and we're still together. What about you, Millie? Millie: I've never had any problems like that with Dick. Gert: Oh, come on. Don't be shy. We're all friends here. Millie: Really. I can't think of anything... except- Ethyl: Tell us! Millie: One time he hit me. Gert: He hit you! You mean he rolled up his sleeves and spit into his hands and rubbed them together and then wound up and belted you on the chin, sending you flying through the air? And you forgot? Millie: It wasn't like that. It was just a little slap in the face. Gert: What for? Millie: To wake me up from a feinting spell. But it was a little harder than it should have been, I thought... Break: Justin the Telepathic Infant: Part 1 Mother: Thanks for stopping in, Chris. Chris: Any time. And where are you hiding that adorable little child of yours? Mother: Justin? He's right here in his playpen. (Camera switch to Justin's view. He observes the grinning visitor approaching and taking position in front of him.) Chris: Ooo you're being so quiet! I didn't even know you were there! (Continuing on to herself in her head:) You must have screamed yourself hoarse last night you little bastard! (She reaches to touch the child but he recoils.) How old is he? Mother: Eight months. Chris: My! So big for his age! (In her head:) For a leprechaun! My Todd could have kicked your ass when he was eight months old! (Justin starts crying.) Oh oh. It must be time for beddy-bye. I'd better go. (Millie's daughter, Raquel, same age as her mom, has joined the conversation.) Millie: - because you have no sense of commitment. You'll pay for that when you reach my age. Raquel: How? By not having a man around to complicate my life? Millie: No. By not being able to take revenge. Look at your father. Ever since he had that stroke, he's been completely at my mercy. I can take away his hockey game. I can poke him and run away before he gets his hands out. I can even hogtie him and make him eat out of a dog dish if I want. But you'll be missing out on all that if you keep going the way you are. Raquel: Mom! I didn't know you were doing all those things to Daddy! Boy, the things you learn at card games. Ethyl: I thought you said that you never had a problem with Dick. Millie: I said I never had problems like yours with Dick. What happened to you all was nothing compared to what Dick did to me. Gert: I'd like to hear that! Millie: (After a show of emotion) I don't talk about it much. I never got over the horror. You see, I used to have this pet parrot and somehow he picked up the word 'Dickwad' from somewhere. And, well, he went missing one day shortly after I started going steady with Dickwad - I mean - Dick. His cage was eerily empty. It looked like there had been a struggle...Then I glanced over at Dick and saw that he had this downy fluff under his fingernails ... and bird blood on his shirt ... and claw marks all over his face! It was a nightmare! (She succumbs to tears.) Blanche: You think that's worse than what we went through? You have got to be joking. Millie: (through her tears) Please don't try my patience. You're the ones who forced me to think about this... Justin the Telepathic Infant: Part 2 Mother: You're such a good man, Greg. And you're so good to my little Justin. Greg: How could I not love him? He reminds me of his mother. (They embrace and kiss. He breaks off to approach the child. Camera switches to the view from Justin's playpen.) Greg: You knows I wuv you, don't you, Justin? (In his head:) And that I'm not just trying to get down your mother's pants! And that if I had a boy with your mother, I'd treat him better than you. I'd take him to Disneyland and leave you at home, fenced in under your porch, with duct tape over your mouth. (The child breaks out in tears.) Mother: Oh dear, he must be tired again. Gert: Blanche is right, Millie. Who cares about your damn bird. Animals don't even have souls. Millie: Are you saying my Penelope is in Hell? How dare you! Gert: I'm saying she's in a hole in the ground. Millie: Like the hole in your head? I'll thank you to keep the infernal influence of that heathen church of yours clear of my home! Gert: A heathen am I? Put em up! (Millie responds. The ladies jump up onto the table and wrestle.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.