The Local Bulletin

Welcome to The Local Bulletin. Here are our top stories. Dwayne Peter Ferguson was apprehended by police for brandishing what turned out to be a toy gun in the vicinity of a frightened old lady with a cell phone. While the gun turned out to be a false alarm, a search by authorities uncovered a cannibis room in the suspect's basement. He is currently handcuffed to a stretcher on an ambulance bound for Pentanguishine. The arcade has been raided by a police swat team. Officers broke down the door of the notorious hangout to find several teenaged occupants skipping school and listening to acid rock. All of the offenders have been expelled and their parents have been fired from their jobs. The pool hall, that den of iniquity, is scheduled to be next. And a man was sentenced to five years of hard labour for urinating out of his fourth-floor window. Wilbur Paul Gilbert argued in his defense that there was nothing else to do.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Media Hound

(A press conference.) Reporter: Shouldn't that dog be on a leash? Celebrity: Who? Butch? He only attacks at the sound of malice. (Silence.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Penitent

Jesus, I'm so sorry for taking that poor man's winning lottery ticket. Everyone knows I did it and they've punished me for it. And I'm just so sorry. And now that I'm so sorry, can I keep the money?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Badrick Barlow: Medieval Physician

(A medieval field. Two peasants pitch hay. Peasant 2 keeps sneezing.) Peasant 1: You sound like you're coming down with something. Peasant 2: No. It's just an allergy. Peasant 1: It better be. I just got over the plague and the last thing I need is a cold. (They return to their work. After a few moments, Peasant 2 leans over and vomits.) Peasant 1: Are you sure you're not ill? Peasant 2: Yes, I'm fine. Just a bit hung over. Peasant 1: You don't need to be at work if you're sick, you know. Peasant 1: I'll be fine. Let's get this done. (They return to their work. Shortly, Peasant 2 cries out and collapses.) Peasant 1: That does it! You're sick. I'm calling Doctor Barlow. Peasant 2: No! (Enter Doctor Barlow in a white bloodstained tunic. He is accompanied by stretcher bearers.) Barlow: You called? Peasant 1: This man is sick. Barlow: Well then, we'll just have to operate on him. Peasant 2: NO! PLEASE! (They carry the sick peasant off against his will.) (The next week. Head shots of the peasants at work.) Peasant 1: Feeling better? (Pan out to show Peasant 2's amputated arm.) Peasant 2: I sure do. The pain in my shoulder helps me forget all about the pain in my sinuses. And I owe it all to (turning to camera) Badrick Barlow: Medieval Physician.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Escape Goat

(Somewhere in the Andes Mountains.) Prisoner #1: (Spanish accent) We can never break out of here. Prisoner #2: (Spanish accent) Don't say that. There is always hope. Prisoner #1: But even if we clear the fence, we'd never make it back through this terrain. If only we had ... a goat. (Enter Nellie. She rams through the fence.) Prisoners: We're saved! (They each take a horn and are lead out of captivity.) Announcer: Watch the heroic Nellie take on brutal South American dictators quadro-hoofedly. (A mile from the camp.) Prisoner #2: I'm not going to make it. I need food. (The goat hands him a glass of milk.) Prisoner: Thank you, stranger! (drinking) Ah! You really know how to take care of an escaped political prisoner. (Nellie is the Escape Goat. Thursday afternoons at 2:10.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Morning Exercise

Announcer: It's 6:12 pm and that means it's time for Morning Exercise. Today's host is Bob Wren, the men's coach of the girl's gym class at Sweet Valley High. Wren: All right, girls, I'm happy to see that you are all dressed in halters and hot pants because we all know the importance of keeping the body ventilated. Girl: But it's winter. Wren: Yes, but we're indoors. The first exercise we're going to do is a groin stretch. I want you all to lie on your backs, facing me. Now I want you to spread out those legs as far as you can. Can you feel that stretch? Doesn't that feel good? I'm glad they are recording this on television today. My son's at home taping it for me. That's it. Four more. Three more... Very good. Now I'm going to show you a stretch that is great for the lower back and is very popular with cats. Roll over onto your bellies. Now lift up those backsides and really arch those backs. Doesn't that feel good. If you want extra tension, just get a partner to climb on top of you and follow your movements. Melissa? Why don't you get on top of Susan and show us what I mean.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Ghostwriter

(A room. Lisa struggles over a written assignment. Enter her friend.) Friend: What's the matter, Lisa? Lisa: This poem is due tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write. Friend: (pulling a package from her purse) Sounds like you need this. (She hands the package over.) Lisa: (reading) The Ghostwriter. I've heard of these things. Do they really work? Friend: Set it up and see for yourself. (Lisa pulls out a feather pen and a transmitter. Her friend guides her through the setup.) Lisa: What's the transmitter for? Friend: It emits a signal that attracts ghostwriters. Turn it on. (Lisa flicks a switch and the room is filled with a familiar chorus: Ghostwriters i-in the sky...) Now we have to hide if you want to see it in action. (The girls take cover and see the door open and shut on its own. The feather is lifted by an invisible hand and starts scratching out words.) Lisa: It's working! (The next day in class.) Teacher: Lisa! Come here! Lisa: What's wrong? Teacher: Are you mad? Shakespeare wrote this! Lisa: He did? That's not what the ghostwriter said. Announcer: Don't be afraid. Get the Ghostwriter.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Perish the Thought

Good morning and welcome to Perish the Thought, the ultimate reality game show. We lock our contestants in a small, airtight room with a gas stove and taunt them into committing suicide. You can see on our monitor that Rex is already in position. How are you doing there, Rex? Am I going to get paid for this? Because I'm in a lot of trouble financially. No. I thought you had a prize. We do. An all expenses paid vacation. Good. Maybe I can use it to skip out on my creditors. Your creditors are watching and waiting for you to come out at the end of the show. They are? What am I going to do? My boss doesn't know I'm here. I was planning on sneaking back into the office before he noticed that I was missing. Your boss is watching. He says you're fired. Oh Oh. Now I'm really worried. If only my wife were with me. She always knows the right thing to say. Your wife has left you and run off with the insurance salesman. She has? (Heaving a sigh of despair) Oh well. I guess I should have seen it coming. At least I still have Buster. Your dog ran out onto the highway and was run over by a dog catcher's van...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Lady In Waiting

Voice: Tonight on Lady In Waiting, Naomi's still waiting for Nate to get the hint. (A crowd of passengers boards a bus. Naomi in lacy lingerie pushes her way past Nate.) Nate: Naomi? Is that you? Why, of all the strange coincidences! (She turns and smiles and blows him a kiss. He returns the smile and proceeds to ignore her.) (Now on a fishing trip, Nate casts his rod into the water. He catches Naomi in a string bikini and pulls her into the boat.) Nate: Naomi! Is that you? What are you doing here? I didn't know you liked fishing, but you won't catch any fish like that! Naomi: (presenting) I want your rod. Nate: (handing her his fishing rod) Well, why didn't you just say so? Voice: That's Lady In Waiting. Worth waiting for.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Art Patrol

Who needs an art patrol when you have Tina Fey? Her outrageous fraud with hundreds of my scripts has made suicide desirable to me. Whenever an artist starts expressing himself too boldly... A portrait artist sits on a sidewalk. A camouflaged jeep with a machine gun pulls up. Soldiers in baggy pants tucked into jackboots get out and attack the artist, smashing his easel and setting fire to it. ... it's time to call The Art Patrol. They patrol the neighbourhoods, looking for the out of the ordinary... A street performer juggles while balancing on a unicycle. Enter the camouflaged jeep. Out jump the soldiers. One of them pokes a rifle into the spokes of the unicycle. The others break up the crowd. ... so they can crush it. The Art Patrol. What 'cha gonna do when they pick on you?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Think About Recruiting

(A soldier holds a pistol to the back of the head of a kneeling prisoner.) Soldier: They told me down at the recruiting centre that combat experience would help me to build confidence in myself. Now when I talk, people listen. (He is blown up by a passing tank.) Tank Driver: They told me down at the recruiting centre that I should bring my bobcat experience to the armoured division. Now when I drive down the street, the traffic slows down for me. (The tank is hit by a shot from a helicopter.) Pilot: They told me down at the recruiting centre that I should bring my video games playing experience to the air force. Now when I make fiery explosions, they look different every time and the experience is as close to 3-D as you can get. (The helicopter is hit and goes down in flames.) Man with Rocket Launcher: They told me down at the recruiting centre that most aircraft are no match for a good surface-to-air missile. (Stepping into a recruiting office and taking a seat behind a desk.) I guess they needed someone to stay alive and work in the recruiting centre. Announcer: Recruiting. Think about it.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Court Appointed Counsel

Announcer: On the next Court Appointed Counsel, a rookie lawyer enters a moral quandary over his new client. Rookie Lawyer: For the last time, did you kill that man? Client: And for the last time, it was an accident. He wouldn't stop talking. I only meant to silence him. Rookie Lawyer: Sure. And what about the girl? Client: She wouldn't stop squirming. I only meant to paralyze her. You know how it is. Rookie Lawyer: (to a colleague) Are we going to help this man escape a murder charge? It goes against everything they taught us in school. Colleague: Time to forget all that theory. You're in the real world now. Announcer: Don't miss Court Appointed Counsel. Tuesday morning at 2:30 am.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Turtleneck

(A gallery. A masterpiece disappears in front of a shocked gathering.) Announcer: When a valuable object goes missing in front of everyone's eyes, there's only one man to call. A man with a turtleneck... (Turtleneck parks his bicycle at the Public Library.) Announcer: A man with access to information... (Turtleneck, while riding his bicycle, answers a call on his cellphone.) Announcer: A man with a mobile phone. But mostly a man who is good at investigating crime. (The gallery. Turtleneck's rival, Miss Blythe, has called a meeting to share her findings.) Blythe: And so you see how the thieves would have been unable to unload the painting because it was too high profile. Therefore, we must assume that the masterpiece has been destroyed. My guess is that the thieves used a kiln- (Enter Turtleneck. He parks his bicycle.) Turtleneck: Not so fast, Miss Blythe. Blythe: Turtleneck! Well, if it isn't the big stupid idiot, himself! You're too late! The puzzle is solved. The painting was destroyed. Turtleneck: The painting is concealed behind your blackboard. You've been standing in front of it the whole time. See for yourself. (Men find the painting behind the blackboard.) Blythe: Oh, Turtleneck, you've made a fool of me again. Why must you always win? Turtleneck: Because it keeps you in line, baby. Announcer: Watch Turtleneck tonight on Monday Mystery Theatre.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.