Why We Have No Bananas

Yes, we have no bananas We have no bananas today We have carrots and turnips and pomegranates And the bananas are all gone away They decided to have a revolution At the banana plantation But the regime that crushed it was merciless And the bananas were squashed in the process So now we have no bananas We have no bananas at all We have rudabeggas and cabbages and asparagus But no bananas for sale Some workers tried to escape in a banana scow But it struck a reef and they all drowned And yes, we have no bananas We have no bananas today We have artichokes and potatoes and sweet peas While the bananas all float in some bay... Then just when things were going right The island was hit with a banana blight And yes, we still have no bananas No bananas today We have kumquats and watermelons and pears But the bananas have turned a most unappetizing grey And I'm sad to say No splits today You'll have to settle for a peanut buster parfait My heart is down My head is rolling around Can't find a single banana in the whole darn town.
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© 2009, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Expel Cough Drops

(A hospital waiting room.) Visitor: Are you a smoker who is worried about that next chest x-ray? If you don't cough enough, your lungs fill up with gunk. That's why we came up with Expel Cough Drops. Each drop is coated with interruptus to induce a cleansing convulsion, after which your bronchial tubes will be noticeably more relaxed and feeling as clean as a cherry. (He swallows a pill and goes into a tremendous coughing fit, eventually regaining his composure.) Nurse: The doctor will see you now. Visitor: I'm ready for him. (After the examination.) Visitor: Did you find anything on my lung x-rays, Doc? Doctor: No, because I couldn't find your lungs at all. Have you been taking Expel? Announcer: Cough it up for Expel.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Morning After The Towering Inferno

I was watching this seventies disaster flick last night. It followed the normal pattern. It started by introducing you to all the characters that deserve to die. And on the eve of the disaster, they all get together for a party, and a beautiful nightclub singer belts out the theme song: There's got to be a sturdy rafter One that isn't made of pine We've got to give the helicopter A place to hook the rescue line... (and so forth) ...It's not too late to break a window Take your chances from the fi-ifth flo-or...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

How to Tell You're In Space

One way to tell that you are in deep space is by the sound of a Moog synthesizer churning out looping, echoing, high pitched vibrations. It is important to recognize these sounds because you can't see a thing. It's totally dark. And if you point a flashlight into it, all you can see is the flashlight beam. Another way to tell is by the radio. Once you get outside the range of those gospel stations, the only place left is deep space. As far as the weightlessness goes, if you feel like a hovercraft, that's only normal space, but if you feel like a helium balloon, that's deep space.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Flying Peacocks

When enemy fire needs to be drawn elsewhere, they summon the famous Flying Peacocks parachute squadron. (One by one the Flying Peacocks jump out a hatch until their plane is empty.) They attack at night, way off in the middle of nowhere, with glowing parachutes. (The defending troops on the ground point and laugh at the sight of so many easy targets. They take aim and shoot them down like burst balloons.) And as long as the enemy is shooting at them, we can shoot at the enemy. (The defending troops are hit by a shell.) (The Peacocks in their brightly coloured dress uniform, standing at attention.) You can't miss the Flying Peacocks tonight.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

'The Rake' Oral Apparatus

Do you need to floss but don't have enough time to do every tooth? Maybe you need The Rake. The Rake let's you floss all of your upper or lower teeth in one simple step. (He jams the rake into his teeth and cries out in pain. It slides into his gums, causing profuse bleeding. Through tears:) Sometimes you just need to push a little extra hard. And with all that time you'll save, you'll have something to smile about. (He forces a smile and blood escapes his mouth and runs down his chin.) The Rake oral apparatus. Available at these fine stores. Not recommended for hemophiliacs.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Dave the Dog Catcher

Hi. I'm Dave the dog catcher. And I like dogs. Whenever I spot a stray dog in my van, I pick him up and take him for a ride to the beach. Then I take him out so he can go windsurfing. I'm home now, and the dog I found is in the pound. And I finished this crossword puzzle. See? And the dog didn't finish it for me. I did it...myself...honest...
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© 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Notes on Astrology

Good evening, and welcome to Notes on Astrology. Now I know that a lot of you out there think that astrology is just a load of hooey, but that's just because you do not have the gift of being able to read the stars. It takes an expert to know how to connect the dots of the constellations into useful and recognizable images. I know. I gave a Grade Five class of forty-year-olds a sheet with the constellation of Virgo on it and asked them to connect the dots. All any of them could come up with was a snake. Anyone can make the stars into a snake. But it takes an astrologer to make them into a virgin.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Hellville

Voice: When that train gets to Hellville, you'd best just let it roll right on through. (A slum. A pedestrian offends some deviants by waiting for a green light before crossing the street.) Deviant: Hey man? What are you? A cop or something? You don't belong here, man. Pedestrian: I thought the conductor said 'Belleville'. (A child walks past carrying a lunchbox. The misfits pounce on him and rob him.) Deviant: Hey! Look what I got! Peanut butter and jelly, man! All right! Voice: Lunch is cheap in Hellville. Tuesday nights at ten.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Ernie Anderson: Army Insurance Officer

(A hospital room. A patient covered in bandages from head to toe is being interviewed.) Anderson: So you say that everything was normal and then you were hit by rounds from an enemy plane. Patient: That's right. Anderson: And then what happened? Patient: My fuselage caught fire. Anderson: (Writing) I see. And then what happened? Patient: I reached for a map to see where I was before I jumped. Anderson: (Writing) Uh huh. And then? Patient: The map caught on fire. Anderson: I see...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

How the War Was Lost

Friday night on How the War Was Lost: (An auditorium. An officer stands before a full house of seated recruits. Explosions go off in the background.) Now I know it looks bad right now. You see the buildings around you crumbling from all the shells and you can't drive down the road any more because of all the potholes, but we can still win this thing. It's all about attitude. Pilots, we don't need you complaining about having no ammunition for your guns. Your job is to keep the enemy shooting at you in the air instead of at us down here. You know your training. You make sure your parachute is functioning and that your canopy is unlocked. And when you bail out, go into the cannonball position, with your legs tucked into your arms. Don't use a swan dive. And make sure to land on our side of the big crooked line which you can only see from the air. Our land is clearly marked with the horizon spanning flag of our nation. Ground troops, I expect the same commitment. You don't all need guns, just the men in the front. It isn't until the man in front of you drops that you really need a gun...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Quest for Success

(A job interview. Employer and applicant shake hands over the desk and take their seats.) Employer: Are you comfortable? Applicant: Yes, thank you. Employer: You are? I don't know how you can be in that rickety wooden chair. You should see yourself. You look pathetic. (Getting up) But look at my chair. Look how big and cushy it is compared to yours. (He sits back down.) Applicant: Yes, it's very nice. Employer: Where did you get that tie? Thrift store? Applicant: Uh... Employer: Look at my tie. From the finest boutique. One of a kind. Two hundred dollars worth. Applicant: It's a beauty, all right. Employer: Too good for the likes of you. How did you get here? Public transit? Applicant: No, I drive a Volkswagen. Employer: New or...? Applicant: (Sighing) Used. Employer: Yes, I thought so. You know what? I don't even have to drive my limousine. I have a chauffeur. And drivers like you are always making obstacles of yourselves with their rust buckets. Why don't you stay the Hell off the road? Applicant: Sorry. Employer: That's all right. I can take it. What are you doing here anyway? Applicant: (Astonished) Applying for a job! Employer: You need a job? Look at me. I already have one. I work here...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

I Thaddeus

Thursday night, public broadcasting proudly presents the award winning miniseries, I, Thaddeus. Go behind the scenes in the ancient world of counterespionage to see the conniving and treachery that secret agents will stoop to in their rush to become the next Chief of CONTROL. (The office of Thaddeus, Chief of CONTROL. The players wear togas.) Thaddeus: This is for you. (He passes a scroll across his desk.) Agent #96: What is it, Chief? Thaddeus: Instructions for my successor, eye-eye. Agent #96: Sorry, Chief. Eye-eye was killed on assignment. Thaddeus: He was? That's too bad. Well then, give it to Eye-eye-eye. Agent #96: He's gone, too, Chief. Thaddeus: Then make it Eye-vee. Agent #96: No can do, Chief. Thaddeus: (Frustrated) For Pete's sake! Who is left to take over my job? Agent #96: Ex-Cee-Vee is still around. Thaddeus: All right, then, Ex-cee-vee-eye. Make sure Ex-cee-vee gets that scroll. Agent #96: Sure thing, Chief. I'll give it to him personally.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Orangatang Flavour Crystals

Looking for something new and exciting from your flavour crystals? All of the tropical fruits have been used, and now people are tired of them. That's why we developed Orangatang. One sip will instantly restore your appreciation for those other flavours - especially banana. So quit beating that breast and beat the boredom instead with Orangatang.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Freaky Possibilities

Good evening, and welcome to Freaky Possibilities. How did the Egyptians build the pyramids without modern heavy equipment? Did they use wooden ramps, logs, and leverage? Isn't it easier to imagine that they received some sort of extraterrestrial help? Are the Old Testament accounts of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah true? The Bible says that it happened by God's power, but isn't that a little far-fetched? Modern science points instead to the ray guns of aliens from the fourth dimension. Look at this prehistoric cave art. Is this figure a crudely drawn man in a parka from the Ice Age? Doesn't it look more like an astronaut?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Fred's Friendly Frauleins

Looking for someone to help you with that 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle or play chess with you as you listen to light classical music? Or perhaps you need someone to groom your Saint Bernard. Why not give Fred's Friendly Frauleins a call? We'll send you the perfect companion for all your high-brow activities. (Phone rings.) Hello? Origami? No, I'm afraid you have the wrong number. You want Greg's Gregarious Geishas.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.