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I was watching this seventies disaster flick last night. It followed the normal pattern. It started by introducing you to all the characters that deserve to die. And on the eve of the disaster, they all get together for a party, and a beautiful nightclub singer belts out the theme song: There's got to be a sturdy rafter One that isn't made of pine We've got to give the helicopter A place to hook the rescue line... (and so forth) ...It's not too late to break a window Take your chances from the fi-ifth flo-or... |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Morning After The Towering Inferno
Sunday, November 25, 2012
How to Tell You're In Space
| One way to tell that you are in deep space is by the sound of a Moog synthesizer churning out looping, echoing, high pitched vibrations. It is important to recognize these sounds because you can't see a thing. It's totally dark. And if you point a flashlight into it, all you can see is the flashlight beam. Another way to tell is by the radio. Once you get outside the range of those gospel stations, the only place left is deep space. As far as the weightlessness goes, if you feel like a hovercraft, that's only normal space, but if you feel like a helium balloon, that's deep space. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The Flying Peacocks
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When enemy fire needs to be drawn elsewhere, they summon the famous Flying Peacocks parachute squadron. (One by one the Flying Peacocks jump out a hatch until their plane is empty.) They attack at night, way off in the middle of nowhere, with glowing parachutes. (The defending troops on the ground point and laugh at the sight of so many easy targets. They take aim and shoot them down like burst balloons.) And as long as the enemy is shooting at them, we can shoot at the enemy. (The defending troops are hit by a shell.) (The Peacocks in their brightly coloured dress uniform, standing at attention.) You can't miss the Flying Peacocks tonight. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
'The Rake' Oral Apparatus
| Do you need to floss but don't have enough time to do every tooth? Maybe you need The Rake. The Rake let's you floss all of your upper or lower teeth in one simple step. (He jams the rake into his teeth and cries out in pain. It slides into his gums, causing profuse bleeding. Through tears:) Sometimes you just need to push a little extra hard. And with all that time you'll save, you'll have something to smile about. (He forces a smile and blood escapes his mouth and runs down his chin.) The Rake oral apparatus. Available at these fine stores. Not recommended for hemophiliacs. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Dave the Dog Catcher
| Hi. I'm Dave the dog catcher. And I like dogs. Whenever I spot a stray dog in my van, I pick him up and take him for a ride to the beach. Then I take him out so he can go windsurfing. I'm home now, and the dog I found is in the pound. And I finished this crossword puzzle. See? And the dog didn't finish it for me. I did it...myself...honest... | ||||||||||
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| © 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Notes on Astrology
| Good evening, and welcome to Notes on Astrology. Now I know that a lot of you out there think that astrology is just a load of hooey, but that's just because you do not have the gift of being able to read the stars. It takes an expert to know how to connect the dots of the constellations into useful and recognizable images. I know. I gave a Grade Five class of forty-year-olds a sheet with the constellation of Virgo on it and asked them to connect the dots. All any of them could come up with was a snake. Anyone can make the stars into a snake. But it takes an astrologer to make them into a virgin. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Hellville
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Voice: When that train gets to Hellville, you'd best just let it roll right on through. (A slum. A pedestrian offends some deviants by waiting for a green light before crossing the street.) Deviant: Hey man? What are you? A cop or something? You don't belong here, man. Pedestrian: I thought the conductor said 'Belleville'. (A child walks past carrying a lunchbox. The misfits pounce on him and rob him.) Deviant: Hey! Look what I got! Peanut butter and jelly, man! All right! Voice: Lunch is cheap in Hellville. Tuesday nights at ten. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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