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(Postcard with a breathtaking shot of the Andes Mountains.) Circa 1973 Dear Harry, How are you? I am fine. Thanks for the bazookas. I gave one to my wife and one to each of the boys. The rest I distributed among my revolutionary guards. They scare the hell out of the people, but they would be even better if you could send us some bazooka bullets. I could use some heavy equipment, too. Do you have any backhoes? I'm trying to dig a really big hole and the prisoners can't get the job done properly, no matter how much I torture them and starve them. I've reserved a table for us and the Shah at Studio 54. See you then. hugs and kisses, Septembero |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Dear Harry
Friday, December 7, 2012
Superficialman
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On today's exciting episode of Superficialman, our hero sets his sights on shallow women. (A cafe. Superficialman sits at a table, pretending to read poetry, when he is approached by a woman.) Woman: Excuse me. SM: Yes? Woman: I don't normally do this, but can I sit with you? SM: Certainly! Woman: Thank you. (She takes a seat.) You see, I love poets. Most men just have sex on their mind. They're too predictable. But poets reach for the sublime. They're so stimulating. SM: How did you know I was a poet? Woman: Why, because you have that poetry book, silly! (They laugh.) But why are reading it upside down? SM: Uh... That's how I find good juxtapositions. Woman: Ooo! Aren't you clever! (Enter the busboy.) Busboy: (Spotting the book) Hey! I had some poems published in that! Woman: Just clear the table. Busboy: Yes, ma'am.< |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Minstrel At Arms
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(An eighteenth century battle. A unit of English redcoats advances on their French foes. Before they are within bayonet range, half of them are cut down.) Sergeant: Captain! Signal a retreat before we all perish! Captain: Not so fast, Sergeant. Unleash the minstrel! Sergeant: Minstrel! Present arms! (The minstrel holds out his arms, which hold cymbals.) Attack! Minstrel: (clanging cymbals together in time to his melody) Oh, we're going to shoot some Frenchmen! So give us a round of applause! Because because because because because - ! Because they will not obey our laws... (They are swarmed by white uniforms.) French Soldier: You've just sang your last tune, you English cochon-chien! French Officer: No, wait! He is important. French Soldier: A minstrel? French Officer: An English minstrel. Now the English will have no choice but to understand the lyrics to our battle songs! Ha! (They take the minstrel away.) (The next battle. A French regiment advances on an English position.) French Officer: Unleash zee Min-strel! Minstrel: (Clanging cymbals together) Oh, we're going to shoot the English! Shoot them in the face! Shoot them in the gut! Shoot them in the spleen! Shoot them in the kneecaps! Shoot them in the groin! - French Officer: (interrupting) That's gro-ah! Say it right! Minstrel: Shoot them in the gro-ah! ... |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Not So Hot Plate
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Voice: Chances are that your computer is equipped with a timer to help you save energy, but your stove uses far more energy than your computer. Introducing The Not So Hot Plate, designed to make your hot meals as energy efficient as they are delicious. (A kitchen.) Daughter: (at the table) Mom! Hurry up! Mother: As soon as the heating element comes back on, dear. Daughter: But Mom! I'll be late for school! Mother: Yes, but for every point you lose on your report card, we save twenty-five cents on our hydro bill. Voice: So before you receive another outrageous hydro bill, keep your cool with The Not So Hot Plate. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
My Idols
| I like gods. I watched a video about gods last night. It was educational. Like I found out how Apollo wasn't as much of a lady's man as I thought. He couldn't even score with a nymph. And I found out about the sexual depravity of the gods. (Aphrodite! You're riding that donkey upside down!) And the gods were tough. Did you know that Zeus once sewed a child into his thigh and let him hatch from it later? And he didn't even scream once. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, December 3, 2012
Bull's Eye
| I'm worried. I looked and I looked and I can't find my library DVD. After I cleaned my room, I had to tear everything apart. Hope I find it by next week. And on top of that, while I was looking, I saw that that little round mirror I bought from the drug store, lying flat on the DVD player, has some kind of circular pattern on it. Sort of like the RAF roundell. If I would have seen that, I wouldn't have bought it. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Blindsighted Justice
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(An intersection. A limousine is pulled over by a traffic cop.) Cop: You could have killed someone when you ran that red light. Chauffeur: Just following orders. Sorry. Cop: Oh yeah? (He walks over to the rear door and raps on the window. The window lowers, revealing a famous face.) Clay Concrete! I didn't know I was going to meet the most trusted person on television! Why did you let your driver run that red light? Concrete: Because red means 'go' and green means 'stop'. Cop: Oh. Well it goes against everything I've learned since childhood, but if you say so, I guess it's true. Off you go. Concrete: Keep a lookout for lawbreakers. Cop: I will. Thank you, Mister Concrete. (The limo runs the red light at the next intersection and is pulled over by a motorcycle cop.) Cop: Who's in charge of this vehicle? Chauffeur: Clay Concrete. Cop: Uh-huh. (He approaches the rear door and raps on the window. It lowers.) Concrete: Is there a problem officer? Because I'm in a hurry. Cop: You broke the law. Concrete: Don't you know who I am? Cop: Don't you know who I am? (He pulls out his .44 magnum and takes off his sunglasses.) Concrete: DAVID SOUL! |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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