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(A child opens her bathroom door and shuts it immediately.) Child: Mom! Uncle Dave stunk up the bathroom again! (The kitchen.) Mother: Aw, Dave. Dave: It's just beans and onions. Smelled great on the way in. What? You got something against osmosis? Announcer: Are your bodily functions paralyzing other members of your household? Why not try Bullscent? It's the most powerful artificial air freshener known to man. (The kitchen the next day. Dave stands over his skillet, heating a meal.) Mother: Where are the children? Dave: I think they're in the bathroom. Woman: Come on out and eat, kids! Kids? (She goes into the bathroom and finds the children sniffing the toilet bowl.) Are you crazy? Get out of there! Announcer: Bullscent. You may never have to bathe again. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Bullscent Artificial Air Freshener
They Stand Corrected
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(Soldiers gather around a fallen comrade.) Officer: Is he going to make it? Medic: (After testing for vital signs) I'm afraid not, sir. Private: What a shame. Officer: I beg your pardon, private? Private: He died for nothing, sir. For bullshit! Officer: He did not die for bullshit. (Glory Glory Hallelujah kicks in.) He died for an ideal, the ideal of freedom. Not just your freedom and my freedom, but the freedom of our children and grandchildren. The freedom to grow up in a desk in a classroom. The freedom to work in a desk in an office. The freedom to go into debt with a financial institution to buy a house that they can't afford. The freedom to eat fast food, no matter where they are on the planet. The freedom to - (An enemy plane drops a bomb on them, killing them all.) |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Music Tips
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She can take a mediocre song that consists of five words and make it sound good. And I-I-I-I-I Will always lo-o-ove You-oo-oo-ooo! When you have a melody that has room for five words, why not just break up a one-letter, one-syllable word into five syllables as you're singing it beyond the range of any ordinary person? That's impressive. Besides, why waste all that time trying to think of words to fit the melody? You don't need a good song. You just need to make a mediocre song sound good! |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, December 13, 2012
P.R.
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(The lobby of a financial institution. A man in a business suit is wheeled in on a stretcher, surrounded by cronies.) Crony #1: WE GOT A POLITICIAN HERE SLIPPING IN THE POLLS! GET HIM DOWN TO PUBLIC RELATIONS STAT! Security Guard: How did it happen? Crony #2: He told the truth. Security Guard: All right, now, clear the elevator! This guy doesn't have much time left! |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Doorman
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I think I put the inpatient in a wheelchair the first time, didn't I? Ask the creeps who stole it. Doorman: Hello, sir! No, don't bother with those stairs. Here, let me show you to the elevator. (He sees the visitor off and returns to his post. Enter a man in wheelchair.) Where do you think you're going? Man: Can you get out of my way please? I need to use the elevator. Doorman: I don't think so. Man: (astonished) What? Doorman: This elevator is reserved for able bodied people. Man: Well, can you make an exception for me? I need to get in there. Doorman: Sorry, sir. But you're welcome to take the stairs. Man: The stairs! I won't make it up all those steps in this condition! Doorman: Then you don't have what it takes to get into this building. Man: But this is a hospital! Doorman: That's right. And we like to protect our patients. We don't need them getting upset over the sight of some helpless cripple. Man: But... but... |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Sound of Sinus
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Hello fisherman's good friend I need to suck on you again Because the money I have not been paid Keeps me standing out here in the rain And the fluids that keep dripping from my brain Must inflame And make the sound Of sinus |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, December 10, 2012
Modern Morals with Mickey Lowse
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Lowse: Let's see now. Last week, before I was dragged back into my prison cell, I was about to discuss how to handle jealousy in the modern age. If someone else is making you feel jealous, you may feel worse than him. So what you need to do is to wail on him and wail on him until he feels about a hundred - no - a thousand times worse than you ever did. Then you don't have to feel jealous anymore. Shame is a little trickier. Shame is generally brought on by some kind of wrongdoing. The traditional approach to alleviating shame has been to right the wrong by offering support to the victim, but that is tantamount to admitting guilt. You are better off to try to make the wrong look like it was somehow just, by finding new ways to bash the victim. Keep everyone's focus on that victim and sooner or later he will expose some sort of weakness that you can exploit to your advantage. It may take years, but keep trying. If you can't find any faults with the guy, frame him. Your reputation depends on it. Blame for your bad behaviour can be deflected a number of ways, but the most effective is to hide behind some kind of minority group - Guard: All right, Mickey. Time's up. Lowse: Oh well. I guess that's all the time we have for Modern Morals this week. Until next week, I'm Mickey Lowse saying, be grateful that they don't let people like Bob Denver on television any more. Nice guys like that set a poor example for your children. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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