Capitalist Punishment

I'm here with the president of a store which has been accused of attacking its workers with unnecessary job cuts. Sir, did you lay off workers to hurt them? Of course not. It's just that it's better for us if we try to replace as many of them as possible with robots. And what do you say to those who call the unemployment a failure of capitalism? Capitalism is the best system we have. It gives people a choice of where they can work, which fast food outlet or movie theater. And if they work hard, their lives will get easier. Instead of a mop, they get a Swiffer. Instead of a pickax, they get a jackhammer. (Exit Guest One. Enter Guest Two.) And now for the consumer's side of this issue. And sir, I understand that even though you this store laid you off, you still shop there. That's right. Why? Low prices. It's the only store an unemployed person can afford to shop in. What does it make you think of capitalism? It makes me think we should abolish it. Abolish it! (Two heavyweights appear and lift the guest off the floor by his shoulders to carry him off.) Let's not get carried away. After all, I stand to make a decent profit from this production. (Enter a new guest.) And there are still success stories, like this gentleman. He is prospering because he has a skill that is in demand. He knows how to build robots. He thinks that the economy can still be saved. Please tell us how. Each of us must adapt to the new climate. And settle for a menial job? The important thing is to be the best at what you do. If you wash dishes, wash them thoroughly. And pick the gunk out of the drain as you rinse the sink. Find bold new ways to wash dishes, ways that eliminate the jobs of your co-workers, making your employer more dependent on you. You don't need a union when you're the last worker he's got. Interesting. But what about the laid off co-workers? They must volunteer. By proving that they will work for no money, they can restore faith in our economy. And there you have it. You can't let a little thing like being penniless stand in your way. Starvation is just a cop-out. All it takes is a positive attitude to turn failure into success.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Journals of Stevensen Daft

August 2nd Still trapped on this miserable island. A fishing boat passed by in the distance, but when I lit my rescue fire, they mistook it for a barbecue and told me they already ate. August 3rd Still stuck on this desolate island. Some men landed to dig a hole and bury something, but they looked like the type of people you should stay away from. August 4th Still stranded on this forsaken island. Some headhunters passed by. I asked them to point me to civilization but their alter was in the way. August 5th I'm starting to face up to the terrible possibility that I shall remain shipwrecked on this island until the end of my life. The Island Princess docked in the lagoon but they wouldn't let me on board without a boarding pass. August 6th The noise of construction on the concrete overpass above my hut is making my captivity in this lonely place almost unbearable. I don't don't know how much longer I will be able to hold out.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Great Fireballs

(1944 Army Air Force Training Film.) The P-39-and-a-half Fireball ranks with the most sophisticated fighter planes in the air today. It's up to you to learn what all its knobs and dials mean. Now, even though this is a twin engine fighter, it is not any harder to fly than a single engine fighter. Both engines are connected to one steering wheel. Nor do its two engines make it fly twice as fast as single engine fighters. Its propellers are much smaller. The P-39-and-a-half is a good, solid airplane. You won't have to worry about bailing out, as long as no one shoots at you. Just to be safe, make sure you wear your parachute. And contrary to popular belief, the metal canopy cage on a P-39-and-a-half does not trap the pilot in the cockpit. Each fighter is equipped with a hacksaw in the glove compartment, along with a squirt gun for use in the event that the cockpit is engulfed in flames. Ernie Buckshot is an experienced P-39-and-a-half pilot. Here he is in an interview. Buckshot: When we Fireball pilots got the command to go up, we always asked if there was anything else we cold fly. But none of the Lightning pilots or Mustang pilots or even the Thunderbolt pilots ever wanted to lend us their planes. I mean that Fireball is just a floating bomb. Did I say floating bomb? I meant flying bomb - unless it's in the water - after getting shot down. And the only problems with its performance are during takeoff, landing, and combat.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Stukas and Stones

From the start to the finish of the terrible Blitz of 1940, even the British schoolchildren kept a stiff upper lip. (Two British boys in a field argue over the make of overhead Luftwaffe bombers.) Boy #1: Messerschmitt. Boy #2: Heinkel. Boy #1: Messerschmitt! Boy #2: Heinkel! (A bomb explodes on the ground.) Boy #1: Incendiary. Boy #2: Fragmentation. (The next bomb detonates closer.) Boy #1: Incendiary! Boy #2: Fragmentation! (The next bomb almost hits them.) Boy #1: INCENDIARY! Boy #2: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Silent Night on the Western Front

And so it was, late on Christmas Eve in 1917, that the guns went silent on the Western Front and the two armies met in the German trenches after flipping a coin to decide. Axis Soldier: Here is a little peace offering. (He hands over a case.) Allied Soldier: German beer! How thoughtful. Axis Soldier: No, it's Belgian. Allied Soldier: Oh. And perhaps your men would appreciate these. (He hands over a carton of cigarettes.) Axis Soldier: American cigarettes! Allied Soldier: Actually, they're Canadian. Axis Soldier: Oh. Well, we might as well enjoy them now while we aren't shooting at each other. Allied Soldier: I couldn't agree more. (They break open the boxes and start to consume their contents. A German plays Oh Tannenbaum softly on his accordion. The Allied soldier pulls a small item out of his front pocket. Here's a little something for yourself. (He hands it over.) Axis Soldier: An iron cross! Just what I always wanted! I, too, have something more to give. (He produces a shoebox and hands it over. The Allied soldier opens it and pulls out a pair of jackboots.) Allied Soldier: These are beauties! And they look almost new! Axis Soldier: Yes. Nonetheless, I assure you that they have made their rounds.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Patterns of Behaviour

HUMAN DEVELOPMENT IN SIMIAN CARE: MALE Age 3: Mother climbing, independent banana peeling Age 5: Tree climbing, swimming and reed snorkling, coconut picking and flinging Age 7: Vine swinging, animal sign language and birdcalls Age 10: Snake strangling, herbs and poisons, trapping and knot tying Age 15: Stick sharpening and bow making, tree-house building and ladder making Age 18: Lion wrestling, hunting for fire and for women, chest beating and bellowing
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Chester Windmill Presents

Tonight we present to you our finest half hour, as we fight in the hills and fight in the beaches, and as we fight in the fields and fight in the marshes... It is the story of a pedestrian who was caught standing out in the open as the bombs fell - as they fell on the museums and fell on the cathedrals, as they fell on the parking lots and fell on the golf courses, and as they fell on the bowling alleys and fell on the massage parlours... And he mysteriously went missing. But the people united for the common good and set out bravely to put out the fires. From every corner they came: clergymen, electricians, deep sea divers, acrobats and animal trainers, cafeteria workers and crossing guards, firemen. And their pets, too. Every subject of The British Isles participated. Dogs, cats, and even exotic pets like monkeys, boa constrictors... and birds, yes, birds: budgies, cockateels, parrots... What's that? We're out of time?
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.