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Hey you with the ten dollar bill left for me on the sidewalk, are you out of prison so you can stalk me again? Are you back on a stage with my blogs to try to get back on Saturday Night Live with them? Did you think that by leaving a crumby ten dollar bill for me on my birthday in 2014, it pardoned your ghastly fraud? Whose ten dollar bill do you think it was? Yours? That's your money that you illegally made from my work, is it? I guess the cash register praising business would agree with you, seeing no crime in any enterprise that makes them money, but I'm quite sure that God opposes you. Stop using my blogs for your stupid stand-up routine. Write your own material now. Write about your own life. You can write about you and your star friends sodomizing each other in prison or something. Good luck. Hi there. And welcome to Economics Made Simple, the children's show for future business leaders. Today we're going to follow the exciting path of a ten dollar bill as it passes from hand to hand, helping each person along the way. It starts out in the bank account of a man's employer. Then it turns into his paycheque. That gives the nice bank teller a job when the man has to change his paycheque into a ten dollar bill, so he can buy things. From there it goes to the man's girlfriend, after he picks her up in his car and rides around with her for about fifteen minutes. He drops her off at the corner where the candy salesman is ready for his turn with the ten dollar bill. By about three o'clock in the morning, the candy salesman has collected everyone's ten dollar bills and he is ready to buy something to eat. If it weren't for all the candy salesmen, the fast food workers would have to go home early, and they wouldn't make as much money. He gives the ten dollar bill to the fast food worker, and then she gives it to the government. The government uses it to print more ten dollar bills. And then it starts all over again. It goes around in a circle, just like that song. Would you like to sing it with me? Tuck another sawbuck in, but if it falls back out again, put it in your wallet and don't lose it lose it lose it! Now let's review the way the ten dollar bill helped the people. It made the man work for the employer. It bought the man a kiss from his girlfriend. Then it bought his girlfriend some candy. It bought the candy salesman some fast food. And lastly, it kept the worker out of jail. Who says ten dollars isn't worth something? |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, December 17, 2012
Economics Made Simple
The Search for Blue November
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First Mate: Comrade Captain, we are taking a great risk by entering American waters. Remember what happened to Red October? Captain: That's what they get for painting a submarine in the glorious but highly visible colour of the flag of the Motherland. But we have the advantage. Our submarine is painted blue, the same colour as the sea. They will never find us. First Mate: Oh no? I'm picking up a torpedo launch. Bearing 3-1-5. It's heading straight for us! Captain: Hard to port! First Mate: To port? Shouldn't we turn to starboard? Captain: Do not argue with me! First Mate: Yes, Comrade Captain. Turning hard to starboard! Captain: I said PORT! First Mate: Sorry. Turning to port. Now what? Captain: Cut engines. First Mate: Shouldn't we increase speed? Captain: Come here. (The first mate complies. The captain backhands him in the face with all his might.) DON'T ARGUE WITH THE CAPTAIN! Now return to your post and increase speed - I mean - cut engines. First Mate: Yes, Comrade Captain. Cutting engines. (Pause.) Does the Comrade Captain have any further orders? Captain: Yes. Be silent. The slightest sound will be detected by the torpedo. First Mate: Yes, Comrade Captain. (After a short pause, he grows restless and starts humming. The captain gestures with his finger to approach again. The first mate reluctantly complies. The captain draws his side arm and starts pistol whipping.) Captain: I TOLD YOU TO BE SILENT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? THERE'S A TORPEDO OUT THERE AND IT WILL BLOW US ALL TO HELL UNLESS WE - (The torpedo hits the vessel and detonates. All goes dark.) |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Ears Wide Open
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(A bar. A melancholy man is approached by a kindly stranger.) Stranger: You look like you could use some company. Can I pull up a chair? Man: If you want. Stranger: (Seating himself) Why the long face? Man: It's my girlfriend. Stranger: Breakup? Man: No. She wants to get back together. Stranger: I don't understand. Man: It's not the first time. Each time it leaves me with a deeper scar. Stranger: Is that all? Check this out. (He unbuttons his shirt, exposing a hideously scarred chest.) Man: Wow! What happened? Stranger: I wasn't feeling right and my doctor had to cut me open from top to bottom. Man: What was the problem? Heart trouble? Stranger: No. Constipation. But that's not important. The important thing is that he patched me up good as new. Understand? Man: (Cheering up) Yeah. Thanks. That really helps. Stranger: My pleasure. (He takes a drink and gags as fluid gushes out of his ears, but recovers with a smile.) |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Bullscent Artificial Air Freshener
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(A child opens her bathroom door and shuts it immediately.) Child: Mom! Uncle Dave stunk up the bathroom again! (The kitchen.) Mother: Aw, Dave. Dave: It's just beans and onions. Smelled great on the way in. What? You got something against osmosis? Announcer: Are your bodily functions paralyzing other members of your household? Why not try Bullscent? It's the most powerful artificial air freshener known to man. (The kitchen the next day. Dave stands over his skillet, heating a meal.) Mother: Where are the children? Dave: I think they're in the bathroom. Woman: Come on out and eat, kids! Kids? (She goes into the bathroom and finds the children sniffing the toilet bowl.) Are you crazy? Get out of there! Announcer: Bullscent. You may never have to bathe again. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
They Stand Corrected
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(Soldiers gather around a fallen comrade.) Officer: Is he going to make it? Medic: (After testing for vital signs) I'm afraid not, sir. Private: What a shame. Officer: I beg your pardon, private? Private: He died for nothing, sir. For bullshit! Officer: He did not die for bullshit. (Glory Glory Hallelujah kicks in.) He died for an ideal, the ideal of freedom. Not just your freedom and my freedom, but the freedom of our children and grandchildren. The freedom to grow up in a desk in a classroom. The freedom to work in a desk in an office. The freedom to go into debt with a financial institution to buy a house that they can't afford. The freedom to eat fast food, no matter where they are on the planet. The freedom to - (An enemy plane drops a bomb on them, killing them all.) |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Music Tips
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She can take a mediocre song that consists of five words and make it sound good. And I-I-I-I-I Will always lo-o-ove You-oo-oo-ooo! When you have a melody that has room for five words, why not just break up a one-letter, one-syllable word into five syllables as you're singing it beyond the range of any ordinary person? That's impressive. Besides, why waste all that time trying to think of words to fit the melody? You don't need a good song. You just need to make a mediocre song sound good! |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, December 13, 2012
P.R.
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(The lobby of a financial institution. A man in a business suit is wheeled in on a stretcher, surrounded by cronies.) Crony #1: WE GOT A POLITICIAN HERE SLIPPING IN THE POLLS! GET HIM DOWN TO PUBLIC RELATIONS STAT! Security Guard: How did it happen? Crony #2: He told the truth. Security Guard: All right, now, clear the elevator! This guy doesn't have much time left! |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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