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Welcome to The Local Bulletin. Here are our top stories. Dwayne Peter Ferguson was apprehended by police for brandishing what turned out to be a toy gun in the vicinity of a frightened old lady with a cell phone. While the gun turned out to be a false alarm, a search by authorities uncovered a cannibis room in the suspect's basement. He is currently handcuffed to a stretcher on an ambulance bound for Pentanguishine. The arcade has been raided by a police swat team. Officers broke down the door of the notorious hangout to find several teenaged occupants skipping school and listening to acid rock. All of the offenders have been expelled and their parents have been fired from their jobs. The pool hall, that den of iniquity, is scheduled to be next. And a man was sentenced to five years of hard labour for urinating out of his fourth-floor window. Wilbur Paul Gilbert argued in his defense that there was nothing else to do. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Local Bulletin
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The Media Hound
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(A press conference.) Reporter: Shouldn't that dog be on a leash? Celebrity: Who? Butch? He only attacks at the sound of malice. (Silence.) |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Penitent
| Jesus, I'm so sorry for taking that poor man's winning lottery ticket. Everyone knows I did it and they've punished me for it. And I'm just so sorry. And now that I'm so sorry, can I keep the money? | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Badrick Barlow: Medieval Physician
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(A medieval field. Two peasants pitch hay. Peasant 2 keeps sneezing.) Peasant 1: You sound like you're coming down with something. Peasant 2: No. It's just an allergy. Peasant 1: It better be. I just got over the plague and the last thing I need is a cold. (They return to their work. After a few moments, Peasant 2 leans over and vomits.) Peasant 1: Are you sure you're not ill? Peasant 2: Yes, I'm fine. Just a bit hung over. Peasant 1: You don't need to be at work if you're sick, you know. Peasant 1: I'll be fine. Let's get this done. (They return to their work. Shortly, Peasant 2 cries out and collapses.) Peasant 1: That does it! You're sick. I'm calling Doctor Barlow. Peasant 2: No! (Enter Doctor Barlow in a white bloodstained tunic. He is accompanied by stretcher bearers.) Barlow: You called? Peasant 1: This man is sick. Barlow: Well then, we'll just have to operate on him. Peasant 2: NO! PLEASE! (They carry the sick peasant off against his will.) (The next week. Head shots of the peasants at work.) Peasant 1: Feeling better? (Pan out to show Peasant 2's amputated arm.) Peasant 2: I sure do. The pain in my shoulder helps me forget all about the pain in my sinuses. And I owe it all to (turning to camera) Badrick Barlow: Medieval Physician. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The Escape Goat
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(Somewhere in the Andes Mountains.) Prisoner #1: (Spanish accent) We can never break out of here. Prisoner #2: (Spanish accent) Don't say that. There is always hope. Prisoner #1: But even if we clear the fence, we'd never make it back through this terrain. If only we had ... a goat. (Enter Nellie. She rams through the fence.) Prisoners: We're saved! (They each take a horn and are lead out of captivity.) Announcer: Watch the heroic Nellie take on brutal South American dictators quadro-hoofedly. (A mile from the camp.) Prisoner #2: I'm not going to make it. I need food. (The goat hands him a glass of milk.) Prisoner: Thank you, stranger! (drinking) Ah! You really know how to take care of an escaped political prisoner. (Nellie is the Escape Goat. Thursday afternoons at 2:10. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Morning Exercise
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Announcer: It's 6:12 pm and that means it's time for Morning Exercise. Today's host is Bob Wren, the men's coach of the girl's gym class at Sweet Valley High. Wren: All right, girls, I'm happy to see that you are all dressed in halters and hot pants because we all know the importance of keeping the body ventilated. Girl: But it's winter. Wren: Yes, but we're indoors. The first exercise we're going to do is a groin stretch. I want you all to lie on your backs, facing me. Now I want you to spread out those legs as far as you can. Can you feel that stretch? Doesn't that feel good? I'm glad they are recording this on television today. My son's at home taping it for me. That's it. Four more. Three more... Very good. Now I'm going to show you a stretch that is great for the lower back and is very popular with cats. Roll over onto your bellies. Now lift up those backsides and really arch those backs. Doesn't that feel good. If you want extra tension, just get a partner to climb on top of you and follow your movements. Melissa? Why don't you get on top of Susan and show us what I mean. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Ghostwriter
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(A room. Lisa struggles over a written assignment. Enter her friend.) Friend: What's the matter, Lisa? Lisa: This poem is due tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write. Friend: (pulling a package from her purse) Sounds like you need this. (She hands the package over.) Lisa: (reading) The Ghostwriter. I've heard of these things. Do they really work? Friend: Set it up and see for yourself. (Lisa pulls out a feather pen and a transmitter. Her friend guides her through the setup.) Lisa: What's the transmitter for? Friend: It emits a signal that attracts ghostwriters. Turn it on. (Lisa flicks a switch and the room is filled with a familiar chorus: Ghostwriters i-in the sky...) Now we have to hide if you want to see it in action. (The girls take cover and see the door open and shut on its own. The feather is lifted by an invisible hand and starts scratching out words.) Lisa: It's working! (The next day in class.) Teacher: Lisa! Come here! Lisa: What's wrong? Teacher: Are you mad? Shakespeare wrote this! Lisa: He did? That's not what the ghostwriter said. Announcer: Don't be afraid. Get the Ghostwriter. |
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| © 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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