Ernie Anderson: Army Insurance Officer

(A hospital room. A patient covered in bandages from head to toe is being interviewed.) Anderson: So you say that everything was normal and then you were hit by rounds from an enemy plane. Patient: That's right. Anderson: And then what happened? Patient: My fuselage caught fire. Anderson: (Writing) I see. And then what happened? Patient: I reached for a map to see where I was before I jumped. Anderson: (Writing) Uh huh. And then? Patient: The map caught on fire. Anderson: I see...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

How the War Was Lost

Friday night on How the War Was Lost: (An auditorium. An officer stands before a full house of seated recruits. Explosions go off in the background.) Now I know it looks bad right now. You see the buildings around you crumbling from all the shells and you can't drive down the road any more because of all the potholes, but we can still win this thing. It's all about attitude. Pilots, we don't need you complaining about having no ammunition for your guns. Your job is to keep the enemy shooting at you in the air instead of at us down here. You know your training. You make sure your parachute is functioning and that your canopy is unlocked. And when you bail out, go into the cannonball position, with your legs tucked into your arms. Don't use a swan dive. And make sure to land on our side of the big crooked line which you can only see from the air. Our land is clearly marked with the horizon spanning flag of our nation. Ground troops, I expect the same commitment. You don't all need guns, just the men in the front. It isn't until the man in front of you drops that you really need a gun...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Quest for Success

(A job interview. Employer and applicant shake hands over the desk and take their seats.) Employer: Are you comfortable? Applicant: Yes, thank you. Employer: You are? I don't know how you can be in that rickety wooden chair. You should see yourself. You look pathetic. (Getting up) But look at my chair. Look how big and cushy it is compared to yours. (He sits back down.) Applicant: Yes, it's very nice. Employer: Where did you get that tie? Thrift store? Applicant: Uh... Employer: Look at my tie. From the finest boutique. One of a kind. Two hundred dollars worth. Applicant: It's a beauty, all right. Employer: Too good for the likes of you. How did you get here? Public transit? Applicant: No, I drive a Volkswagen. Employer: New or...? Applicant: (Sighing) Used. Employer: Yes, I thought so. You know what? I don't even have to drive my limousine. I have a chauffeur. And drivers like you are always making obstacles of yourselves with their rust buckets. Why don't you stay the Hell off the road? Applicant: Sorry. Employer: That's all right. I can take it. What are you doing here anyway? Applicant: (Astonished) Applying for a job! Employer: You need a job? Look at me. I already have one. I work here...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

I Thaddeus

Thursday night, public broadcasting proudly presents the award winning miniseries, I, Thaddeus. Go behind the scenes in the ancient world of counterespionage to see the conniving and treachery that secret agents will stoop to in their rush to become the next Chief of CONTROL. (The office of Thaddeus, Chief of CONTROL. The players wear togas.) Thaddeus: This is for you. (He passes a scroll across his desk.) Agent #96: What is it, Chief? Thaddeus: Instructions for my successor, eye-eye. Agent #96: Sorry, Chief. Eye-eye was killed on assignment. Thaddeus: He was? That's too bad. Well then, give it to Eye-eye-eye. Agent #96: He's gone, too, Chief. Thaddeus: Then make it Eye-vee. Agent #96: No can do, Chief. Thaddeus: (Frustrated) For Pete's sake! Who is left to take over my job? Agent #96: Ex-Cee-Vee is still around. Thaddeus: All right, then, Ex-cee-vee-eye. Make sure Ex-cee-vee gets that scroll. Agent #96: Sure thing, Chief. I'll give it to him personally.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Orangatang Flavour Crystals

Looking for something new and exciting from your flavour crystals? All of the tropical fruits have been used, and now people are tired of them. That's why we developed Orangatang. One sip will instantly restore your appreciation for those other flavours - especially banana. So quit beating that breast and beat the boredom instead with Orangatang.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Freaky Possibilities

Good evening, and welcome to Freaky Possibilities. How did the Egyptians build the pyramids without modern heavy equipment? Did they use wooden ramps, logs, and leverage? Isn't it easier to imagine that they received some sort of extraterrestrial help? Are the Old Testament accounts of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah true? The Bible says that it happened by God's power, but isn't that a little far-fetched? Modern science points instead to the ray guns of aliens from the fourth dimension. Look at this prehistoric cave art. Is this figure a crudely drawn man in a parka from the Ice Age? Doesn't it look more like an astronaut?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Fred's Friendly Frauleins

Looking for someone to help you with that 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle or play chess with you as you listen to light classical music? Or perhaps you need someone to groom your Saint Bernard. Why not give Fred's Friendly Frauleins a call? We'll send you the perfect companion for all your high-brow activities. (Phone rings.) Hello? Origami? No, I'm afraid you have the wrong number. You want Greg's Gregarious Geishas.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.