End-of-the-Year Program

Good evening, folks. Once again it is time for our annual roundup of the year's most outstanding events. Leave it to us to list them for you and to let you know if they're even worth remembering. Of course, we need to wait until the year's end for this program, otherwise it would be presumptuous. That's why they don't name a child until after it's born, so they can give the child the right name. And if he's born with a shiny red nose, they can call him Rudolf. Let's start with the forgettables. How about Christmas? Were you hoping to get that Christmas gift you've been waiting for all your life? Too late now. And Christmas is gone. It's as far away now as it's ever been in history. Don't even dream about Christmas. But you can still look forward to the New Year. Because that's when you can just wipe out everything and start over. Just forget the whole damn year and leave it behind you. It's a write-off. But maybe this year will be different.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Oldest Trick

Looks like I accidentally erased my ending the last time. Sorry. Too bad I don't have the kind of help to create my blogs that the broadcast industry has to steal my blogs. Officer: Stand at attention when you are addressing a superior officer! Soldier: Yes, sir! Officer: Now about face! (The soldier turns 90 degrees and stops.) About face again! (The soldier turns another 90 degrees and stops. The officer draws his sidearm and shoots the soldier.) Voice: Nothing fools 'em better than the uniform of their own superiors. Officer: Stand at attention when you address a superior officer! Officer #2: But I am your superior officer. Officer: Oops. Sorry. Say... isn't that a machine gun barrel poking out of that haystack over there? Officer #2: Where? Officer: Right behind you. Voice: And he really knows how to get past the sentries. Officer: How dare you question my authority! You! Arrest this man! And you! What kind of a man are you? Resist the arrest! (The sentries start fighting and he slips past them.) Voice: And then at the last minute, they caught him. (A firing squad.) Presiding Officer: Have you any last request? Prisoner: My only request is to have the honour of being executed in the uniform of my rank. Presiding Officer: Very well. But we only have our own army officers' uniforms available. (They dress him in the uniform.) Prisoner: Well, don't just stand there, arrest this man! He tried to shoot me! (The confused soldiers comply, arresting their commanding officer.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Flying Legends

One of the most decorated pilots of the Great War, Colonel Spenser Garroway Fitzgerald, in his book, Spin the Propeller, was credited for inventing many of the rules of early modern aerial combat for his time and the months that followed. Emergency Takeoff and Landing: The new planes are equipped with bicycle pedals, instead of the traditional holes for running feet. These pedals are also useful in firing the machine gun when your hands are occupied. For landing, each plane is equipped with a pointy metal anchor attached to a good sturdy length of rope. Avoid water landings or landings on smooth, hard surfaces. Ammunition: When encountering an enemy formation, count up all your hand bombs and make sure you have at least one for each of them. Try to conserve machine gun bullets which must be reloaded from the barrel, dangerously exposing the pilot as he stands on the wing. Tactics: Stay above the enemy in order to outmatch his speed by diving. To reach the fastest speeds, point the aircraft straight down in a vertical line headed towards the earth. Wait until no one is looking before you point yourself back up in the air again.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Destructor

He's an entrepreneur who has gone mad with power, crossing the line from contractor to destructor. (The destructor receives a visitor in his office.) Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? I'm on the federal oversight committee. I see. And is that in a building? Of course. And did you know that buildings can be bought and scheduled for destruction? And that we don't have to inform the occupants? I don't believe that. No? You don't think that maybe it's your responsibility to figure it out when a team of construction workers are all standing around this box with a plunger in it that has a coil running out of it? (The next visitor.) And what floor did you say you work on? The forty-fifth. You'll be on the ground floor by the time I'm done with you. (In his chauffeur driven car.) Driver, did you get the number of that vehicle that just cut us off? Find out what address it's registered to.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Spokesperson

I'm not going to lie and tell you people what you want to hear. There's been a lot of talk against investors, and it's time someone stuck up for them. Put yourself in their shoes. If you had billions and someone told you you could make higher profits by kicking grandmothers out of their homes, wouldn't you do it? If it's your money that pays for all the jobs and houses, aren't you entitled to think that you own them and the people who rely on them? Some troublemaker tried to compare investors to terrorists. That's utter nonsense. Terrorists strike from abroad. Investors do it right here in the good old homeland! And the money all goes into feeding new investments.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Munchies that Stole Dumplings

We have a lead on the dumpling heist. We think it may have been the same group responsible for last year's infamous potato chip heist. They are said to travel in a group and avoid the main roads. Their faces, which may wear a look of mischief, are disproportionately large and are sometimes located in their bodies. Their bodies are brightly coloured and they do not wear clothing. Their voices are high pitched and often gravelly. And they tend to cavort and carry on like old fashioned buccaneers. If sighted, approach with caution. Sneak up behind them and trap them in a butterfly net before calling for backup.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Walls of Confusion

Father: We've been hearing her voice coming out of the walls like that all night. How did she get inside the walls? Specialist: She is not inside the walls. Mother: She isn't? Then where is she? Specialist: Well, you know when a pyramid gets to the top and it goes off in four different directions? That's where she is. Mother: I don't understand. She can't climb pyramids. She's just a little girl... Specialist: Well, you know when you trade in a tricycle for a go-cart? That's where your daughter is. Father: And how did the dog get inside the walls? Specialist: That's not where he is. You know when a dog is chasing a frisbee and it turns into a football? Father: You're talking nonsense. Specialist: Listen! There's not much time! Now, each of us starts out as a microdot. Then, if we're good microdots, we graduate into cartoons. If our cartoons have character, they survive into the three dimensional world we live in now. Your daughter's life may depend on you understanding this. We're in the third dimension. Three is between two and four. Do you understand?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.