End-of-the-Year Program

Good evening, folks. Once again it is time for our annual roundup of the year's most outstanding events. Leave it to us to list them for you and to let you know if they're even worth remembering. Of course, we need to wait until the year's end for this program, otherwise it would be presumptuous. That's why they don't name a child until after it's born, so they can give the child the right name. And if he's born with a shiny red nose, they can call him Rudolf. Let's start with the forgettables. How about Christmas? Were you hoping to get that Christmas gift you've been waiting for all your life? Too late now. And Christmas is gone. It's as far away now as it's ever been in history. Don't even dream about Christmas. But you can still look forward to the New Year. Because that's when you can just wipe out everything and start over. Just forget the whole damn year and leave it behind you. It's a write-off. But maybe this year will be different.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Oldest Trick

Looks like I accidentally erased my ending the last time. Sorry. Too bad I don't have the kind of help to create my blogs that the broadcast industry has to steal my blogs. Officer: Stand at attention when you are addressing a superior officer! Soldier: Yes, sir! Officer: Now about face! (The soldier turns 90 degrees and stops.) About face again! (The soldier turns another 90 degrees and stops. The officer draws his sidearm and shoots the soldier.) Voice: Nothing fools 'em better than the uniform of their own superiors. Officer: Stand at attention when you address a superior officer! Officer #2: But I am your superior officer. Officer: Oops. Sorry. Say... isn't that a machine gun barrel poking out of that haystack over there? Officer #2: Where? Officer: Right behind you. Voice: And he really knows how to get past the sentries. Officer: How dare you question my authority! You! Arrest this man! And you! What kind of a man are you? Resist the arrest! (The sentries start fighting and he slips past them.) Voice: And then at the last minute, they caught him. (A firing squad.) Presiding Officer: Have you any last request? Prisoner: My only request is to have the honour of being executed in the uniform of my rank. Presiding Officer: Very well. But we only have our own army officers' uniforms available. (They dress him in the uniform.) Prisoner: Well, don't just stand there, arrest this man! He tried to shoot me! (The confused soldiers comply, arresting their commanding officer.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Flying Legends

One of the most decorated pilots of the Great War, Colonel Spenser Garroway Fitzgerald, in his book, Spin the Propeller, was credited for inventing many of the rules of early modern aerial combat for his time and the months that followed. Emergency Takeoff and Landing: The new planes are equipped with bicycle pedals, instead of the traditional holes for running feet. These pedals are also useful in firing the machine gun when your hands are occupied. For landing, each plane is equipped with a pointy metal anchor attached to a good sturdy length of rope. Avoid water landings or landings on smooth, hard surfaces. Ammunition: When encountering an enemy formation, count up all your hand bombs and make sure you have at least one for each of them. Try to conserve machine gun bullets which must be reloaded from the barrel, dangerously exposing the pilot as he stands on the wing. Tactics: Stay above the enemy in order to outmatch his speed by diving. To reach the fastest speeds, point the aircraft straight down in a vertical line headed towards the earth. Wait until no one is looking before you point yourself back up in the air again.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Destructor

He's an entrepreneur who has gone mad with power, crossing the line from contractor to destructor. (The destructor receives a visitor in his office.) Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? I'm on the federal oversight committee. I see. And is that in a building? Of course. And did you know that buildings can be bought and scheduled for destruction? And that we don't have to inform the occupants? I don't believe that. No? You don't think that maybe it's your responsibility to figure it out when a team of construction workers are all standing around this box with a plunger in it that has a coil running out of it? (The next visitor.) And what floor did you say you work on? The forty-fifth. You'll be on the ground floor by the time I'm done with you. (In his chauffeur driven car.) Driver, did you get the number of that vehicle that just cut us off? Find out what address it's registered to.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Spokesperson

I'm not going to lie and tell you people what you want to hear. There's been a lot of talk against investors, and it's time someone stuck up for them. Put yourself in their shoes. If you had billions and someone told you you could make higher profits by kicking grandmothers out of their homes, wouldn't you do it? If it's your money that pays for all the jobs and houses, aren't you entitled to think that you own them and the people who rely on them? Some troublemaker tried to compare investors to terrorists. That's utter nonsense. Terrorists strike from abroad. Investors do it right here in the good old homeland! And the money all goes into feeding new investments.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Munchies that Stole Dumplings

We have a lead on the dumpling heist. We think it may have been the same group responsible for last year's infamous potato chip heist. They are said to travel in a group and avoid the main roads. Their faces, which may wear a look of mischief, are disproportionately large and are sometimes located in their bodies. Their bodies are brightly coloured and they do not wear clothing. Their voices are high pitched and often gravelly. And they tend to cavort and carry on like old fashioned buccaneers. If sighted, approach with caution. Sneak up behind them and trap them in a butterfly net before calling for backup.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Walls of Confusion

Father: We've been hearing her voice coming out of the walls like that all night. How did she get inside the walls? Specialist: She is not inside the walls. Mother: She isn't? Then where is she? Specialist: Well, you know when a pyramid gets to the top and it goes off in four different directions? That's where she is. Mother: I don't understand. She can't climb pyramids. She's just a little girl... Specialist: Well, you know when you trade in a tricycle for a go-cart? That's where your daughter is. Father: And how did the dog get inside the walls? Specialist: That's not where he is. You know when a dog is chasing a frisbee and it turns into a football? Father: You're talking nonsense. Specialist: Listen! There's not much time! Now, each of us starts out as a microdot. Then, if we're good microdots, we graduate into cartoons. If our cartoons have character, they survive into the three dimensional world we live in now. Your daughter's life may depend on you understanding this. We're in the third dimension. Three is between two and four. Do you understand?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Actor's Fib

And we'll be back with more fibs after this message from our sponsors. All right, now, listen up! Zelda! What are you doing? That's the second time you've used 'sex toy'. You can only use one purpose per object. But that's what they are. But you're not supposed to tell the truth! And you're not fooling anyone with those stories of your wild escapades. Everyone knows you're just trying to pass them off as lies by mentioning them here.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Whoopin of Chet Turtleback

(A woman's house.) Woman: Chet Turtleback! I don't know why you're here, but if my pappy catches you, he's gonna hogtie you and give you the whoopin of your life. Turtleback: Come on now, Betsy. You seen me take whoopins before. You knows I can take a whoopin. Woman: You better git now. Git while the gittin's good. (Exit Turtleback. He goes to the bank.) Teller: Chet Turtleback! If the manager finds out that you only have twenty-five cents in your account, he's gonna come out here and handcuff you to that chair and give you the whoopin of your life. Turtleback: But you seen me take whoopins. You knows I can take it, especially back whoopins. Teller: Go on now. Git! (Exit Turtleback. He goes to the Post Office.) Turtleback: Can I mail this letter? Clerk: Chet Turtleback! If the postmaster catches you in here mailing letters, he's gonna tie your hands behind your back, hoist you off the floor by your rib cage, and give you the whoopin of your whole entire life!
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Devilry Hillbillies

Old Man: Now, the Devil's magic only works for the South. It don't work for those Yankees. Confederate Officer: I don't understand that. That implies that there is something evil in our cause. We don't need the Devil fighting on our side. God will decide the outcome of this war.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Teaching of the Guard

Professor: Now that they are going to force me to retire after I wasted my life trying to get through to class after class of dunderheads, I just want to blow my brains out! Student #1: Don't do it, professor! Professor: Who are you? Student #1: I'm Jerome Fielding. Class of '43. I threw myself against a hail of machine gun bullets because of something you taught me. Student #2: And I threw myself on a grenade to save my men because of one of your lessons. Student #3: And I challenged an enemy tank with my fist when it was all I had left. And even though I got chewed to bits, my courage helped to inspire our side to victory. Student #1: So you see, Professor. You can retire with pride. Any old teacher could teach us how to live, but you're the only one that could teach us how to die.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Racoon

(An old man's farm.) Old Man: Now listen up, you dried up, withered old semi-embalmed walking corpse! I'll be home by sundown. Old Woman: I hear's ya, you decomposing, malodorous old toothless wonder! (The old man goes out to hunt the racoon with his dog, Red.) Old Man: Now don't let that coon outsmart you, Red! Look out! He's a-headed for the quicksand! Stay right there, Red! I'll save you! (The next morning, back at the farm.) Old Man: I been standing here for forty-five minutes trying to get an answer out of one of you, but all you want to do is stand around this casket a-crying! Why won't none of you tell me who died? Me and Red's gonna stay on your tail until we gets an answer. (The guests pack up the casket and head into town.) Stay with him, Red! Don't lose him! Red? Where the Hell are we? What's this fence doin' here? Who are you? Man: I'm the fence keeper. Old Man: How did I get talking to you? Man: You must be dead. Old Man: Dead! That's impossible. Man: When did the confusion start? Old Man: Well, I was goin' into the quicksand to rescue my dog when everything kinda went dark. And then - uh... Well now, if that don't beat all. Red! That coon done outsmarted us outta our lives!
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Burning Sun

Voice: The earth has lost its orbit and spins helplessly into the sun. But one art gallery stays open. It is the gallery of a woman who is determined to paint her life truthfully to the bitter end - of her and of everyone else. Artist: And here is one with charred corners. You can also see how the paint dried out wrong and left cracks throughout the composition. Male Patron: That's boring. Artist: Ooo! It's hot in here. (She removes her blouse and all eyes are again upon her.) And this one here started out a wax portrait, but then I had to change it into a landscape of a lake. Patron: Who cares? Artist: Curse this heat! (She takes off her dress.) (The radio: And we're giving away two plane tickets to Baffin Island, the world's new tropical paradise...)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Once Upon a Time Signature

(A man in a football helmet appears in the middle of the 20th century.) Portly: I say, where did you come from? Dobbs: I don't believe we've been introduced. Portly: Oliver Portly, at your service. Dobbs: Cedric T. Dobbs. Portly: And judging from that newspaper you have in your pocket, you must be from the 1890's. Dobbs: Indeed I am. And what is that little box in the wall? It is most fascinating. Portly: (Merry laughter) Good sir, you've been flung forward all the way into the Jet Age. That device is known as a television. Dobbs: Why, it's wonderful. You don't need any other inventions. This is enough. Portly: Then you don't mind if I transport myself back to your time? Dobbs: Not as long as I keep looking at that box. I want to believe everything it tells me. Portly: You won't miss your time? Dobbs: I won't miss that hokey piano playing. If you think you can stand it, you're welcome to it.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

A Plane Is Born

(War Production Report: 1943) And here comes Jim to snap on the wings as Ben paints on the insignia and Sheila takes time off from her cocktail party to install the machine gun into the gunner's turret. And here's Gasket Gracie! She says she wants to keep her job after the war because she's become addicted to the throbbing and pulsing of hand operated power tools. See how these machine guns have two barrels? If an enemy plane is missed by one, it can still be hit by the other. And now the heavy bomber rolls out of its hanger in a new record time of twenty-three and one half hours. And now we know what kind of performance to expect from workers after the war. And if the men don't like it, we can always shame them into it by reminding them that their wives outproduced them during the war.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Impersonator

(An FBI slide show. On the screen is a large slide of a page of food stamps.) Agent 1: (changing slides as needed) Expertly done. Here's one for a turkey dinner with plum pudding. And here's another one for a schnitzel on a kaiser. The audacity. We've followed his career so far as an ice cream vendor impersonator, a crossing guard impersonator, and a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman impersonator. And then we found this. Agent 2: That looks like a transit pass! Agent 1: Beautifully forged. He must have picked through every box of cereal in the grocery store to find that hologram. And now we think he may have designs on the hitherto sacred profession of newspaper carrying. We must stop this madman before he goes too far.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Capitalist Punishment

I'm here with the president of a store which has been accused of attacking its workers with unnecessary job cuts. Sir, did you lay off workers to hurt them? Of course not. It's just that it's better for us if we try to replace as many of them as possible with robots. And what do you say to those who call the unemployment a failure of capitalism? Capitalism is the best system we have. It gives people a choice of where they can work, which fast food outlet or movie theater. And if they work hard, their lives will get easier. Instead of a mop, they get a Swiffer. Instead of a pickax, they get a jackhammer. (Exit Guest One. Enter Guest Two.) And now for the consumer's side of this issue. And sir, I understand that even though you this store laid you off, you still shop there. That's right. Why? Low prices. It's the only store an unemployed person can afford to shop in. What does it make you think of capitalism? It makes me think we should abolish it. Abolish it! (Two heavyweights appear and lift the guest off the floor by his shoulders to carry him off.) Let's not get carried away. After all, I stand to make a decent profit from this production. (Enter a new guest.) And there are still success stories, like this gentleman. He is prospering because he has a skill that is in demand. He knows how to build robots. He thinks that the economy can still be saved. Please tell us how. Each of us must adapt to the new climate. And settle for a menial job? The important thing is to be the best at what you do. If you wash dishes, wash them thoroughly. And pick the gunk out of the drain as you rinse the sink. Find bold new ways to wash dishes, ways that eliminate the jobs of your co-workers, making your employer more dependent on you. You don't need a union when you're the last worker he's got. Interesting. But what about the laid off co-workers? They must volunteer. By proving that they will work for no money, they can restore faith in our economy. And there you have it. You can't let a little thing like being penniless stand in your way. Starvation is just a cop-out. All it takes is a positive attitude to turn failure into success.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Journals of Stevensen Daft

August 2nd Still trapped on this miserable island. A fishing boat passed by in the distance, but when I lit my rescue fire, they mistook it for a barbecue and told me they already ate. August 3rd Still stuck on this desolate island. Some men landed to dig a hole and bury something, but they looked like the type of people you should stay away from. August 4th Still stranded on this forsaken island. Some headhunters passed by. I asked them to point me to civilization but their alter was in the way. August 5th I'm starting to face up to the terrible possibility that I shall remain shipwrecked on this island until the end of my life. The Island Princess docked in the lagoon but they wouldn't let me on board without a boarding pass. August 6th The noise of construction on the concrete overpass above my hut is making my captivity in this lonely place almost unbearable. I don't don't know how much longer I will be able to hold out.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Great Fireballs

(1944 Army Air Force Training Film.) The P-39-and-a-half Fireball ranks with the most sophisticated fighter planes in the air today. It's up to you to learn what all its knobs and dials mean. Now, even though this is a twin engine fighter, it is not any harder to fly than a single engine fighter. Both engines are connected to one steering wheel. Nor do its two engines make it fly twice as fast as single engine fighters. Its propellers are much smaller. The P-39-and-a-half is a good, solid airplane. You won't have to worry about bailing out, as long as no one shoots at you. Just to be safe, make sure you wear your parachute. And contrary to popular belief, the metal canopy cage on a P-39-and-a-half does not trap the pilot in the cockpit. Each fighter is equipped with a hacksaw in the glove compartment, along with a squirt gun for use in the event that the cockpit is engulfed in flames. Ernie Buckshot is an experienced P-39-and-a-half pilot. Here he is in an interview. Buckshot: When we Fireball pilots got the command to go up, we always asked if there was anything else we cold fly. But none of the Lightning pilots or Mustang pilots or even the Thunderbolt pilots ever wanted to lend us their planes. I mean that Fireball is just a floating bomb. Did I say floating bomb? I meant flying bomb - unless it's in the water - after getting shot down. And the only problems with its performance are during takeoff, landing, and combat.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Stukas and Stones

From the start to the finish of the terrible Blitz of 1940, even the British schoolchildren kept a stiff upper lip. (Two British boys in a field argue over the make of overhead Luftwaffe bombers.) Boy #1: Messerschmitt. Boy #2: Heinkel. Boy #1: Messerschmitt! Boy #2: Heinkel! (A bomb explodes on the ground.) Boy #1: Incendiary. Boy #2: Fragmentation. (The next bomb detonates closer.) Boy #1: Incendiary! Boy #2: Fragmentation! (The next bomb almost hits them.) Boy #1: INCENDIARY! Boy #2: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Silent Night on the Western Front

And so it was, late on Christmas Eve in 1917, that the guns went silent on the Western Front and the two armies met in the German trenches after flipping a coin to decide. Axis Soldier: Here is a little peace offering. (He hands over a case.) Allied Soldier: German beer! How thoughtful. Axis Soldier: No, it's Belgian. Allied Soldier: Oh. And perhaps your men would appreciate these. (He hands over a carton of cigarettes.) Axis Soldier: American cigarettes! Allied Soldier: Actually, they're Canadian. Axis Soldier: Oh. Well, we might as well enjoy them now while we aren't shooting at each other. Allied Soldier: I couldn't agree more. (They break open the boxes and start to consume their contents. A German plays Oh Tannenbaum softly on his accordion. The Allied soldier pulls a small item out of his front pocket. Here's a little something for yourself. (He hands it over.) Axis Soldier: An iron cross! Just what I always wanted! I, too, have something more to give. (He produces a shoebox and hands it over. The Allied soldier opens it and pulls out a pair of jackboots.) Allied Soldier: These are beauties! And they look almost new! Axis Soldier: Yes. Nonetheless, I assure you that they have made their rounds.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Patterns of Behaviour

HUMAN DEVELOPMENT IN SIMIAN CARE: MALE Age 3: Mother climbing, independent banana peeling Age 5: Tree climbing, swimming and reed snorkling, coconut picking and flinging Age 7: Vine swinging, animal sign language and birdcalls Age 10: Snake strangling, herbs and poisons, trapping and knot tying Age 15: Stick sharpening and bow making, tree-house building and ladder making Age 18: Lion wrestling, hunting for fire and for women, chest beating and bellowing
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Chester Windmill Presents

Tonight we present to you our finest half hour, as we fight in the hills and fight in the beaches, and as we fight in the fields and fight in the marshes... It is the story of a pedestrian who was caught standing out in the open as the bombs fell - as they fell on the museums and fell on the cathedrals, as they fell on the parking lots and fell on the golf courses, and as they fell on the bowling alleys and fell on the massage parlours... And he mysteriously went missing. But the people united for the common good and set out bravely to put out the fires. From every corner they came: clergymen, electricians, deep sea divers, acrobats and animal trainers, cafeteria workers and crossing guards, firemen. And their pets, too. Every subject of The British Isles participated. Dogs, cats, and even exotic pets like monkeys, boa constrictors... and birds, yes, birds: budgies, cockateels, parrots... What's that? We're out of time?
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.