Betty's Turn

(Five ladies in the bodies of sexy young women play cards in their friend's posh parlour.) Betty: He always cleans up after himself. And he's very handy. He fixed our television set. Blanche: Is he good looking? Betty: Is he good looking! Are you ready for this, girls? You know who he looks like? Russell Johnson! Ethyl: Ooo! Professor! Blanche: Well, Betty, he sounds perfect for you - a little too perfect. Betty: What's that supposed to mean? Gert: I think Blanche is worried that this guy might be another Eric. Betty: That's impossible. Steve loves me for who I am, not for my money. Blanche: You think he loves your body? Ha! Betty: Hey! I might be old, but I'm still hot! Millie: Well, only time will tell. (The game resumes with Betty looking troubled and trying to cover it up.) Wings for Welfare The moon. An astronaut emerges from his ship, descends a ladder, and announces upon his foot touching the lunar surface: That's one small step for a man ... one giant leap for humanity. Hi everyone. I'm Buzz Headbong, and that was me you just saw talking on the moon. When I said that landing on the moon was a giant leap for humanity, I wasn't foolin. Wings for Welfare is a non-profit group that wants to use welfare recipients to settle the moon. Here on Moonbase America, we've already constructed enough offices, housing units, and liquor stores to take on half of the unemployed population. We're waiting to receive our first rocket load of undesirables, but we can't make it happen without you. Pay your taxes. Support Wings for Welfare. Gert: Where is your man, tonight? Betty: He's in the basement, working on an experiment. He says that with a little rewiring he can cut our hydro bill in half. (Enter Steve via cellar door. He greets the ladies warmly and gives Betty a peck on the cheek.) Betty: Are you finished down there yet? Steve: I'm afraid not. I've run out of bamboo shoots and palm leaves. Betty: Oh oh. Do you need another plane ticket to Hawaii for more supplies? Steve: Maybe not. I might be able to think of an alternative power source, as soon as I get something in my stomach. Betty: There are some coconut cream pies in the fridge. Steve: Excellent. Good day, ladies. (Exit Steve.) Ladies: Good bye, Steve. Gert: Betty! Are you crazy? You can't let him go to Hawaii on his own! Once one of those native girls traps a man in her hula hoop, she never lets go! Betty: I'm not worried about Steve being sexually unfaithful. Ethyl: Why not? Betty: Because he's not sexual. Millie: What do you mean? Betty: I mean he doesn't like sex. Millie: He doesn't like sex? You mean you don't have to do anything to him to take the pleasure of sex away from him? Betty: (smiling proudly) That's right. Gert: Some girls have all the luck. Anti-Harp (A man waits to board a bus as it pulls over to his stop.) Announcer: It's harpy season again and we want you to be prepared. (Camera switch to bus interior. A large group of harpies converge on the man and try to grab his transfer before he can sit down.) Man: Oh no! Harpies! Announcer: Stay protected with Anti-Harp. They're called Harpies because they ache for the soothing strains of a harp - not a Jew's Harp, but a regular harp. Anti-Harp is small enough to keep in your shirt pocket and will soon have those harpies dancing to your tune. (The man pulls out his Anti-Harp and with one rake of the strings, he subdues all of the harpies. They fall to his feet and purr like kittens.) Announcer: Don't give those harpies anything to harp about. Get Anti-Harp today. (Ffffffffffffffffft! A spear catches the man in the chest and pins him to the wall.) Announcer: Anti-Harp. Ineffective against harpoons. Gert: As much as I want my man to hate sex, I don't want to miss out on the bedtime fun. How do you handle it, Betty? Betty: Steve's an inventor. He's come up with some great products for this company that sells women's toys. Ethyl: Oh yeah? Which one? Betty: Centrifuge. Millie: Wow! Steve invented that? Betty: He sure did. Who needs a man when you have one of those? Gert: All right, so he's good in bed. But what does he do for money? I mean, he seems to be at home a lot. Betty: He's going to be Centrifuge's top developer. (Enter Steve.) Betty: Hi honey! We were just talking about you. Steve: That doesn't surprise me. Betty: I was just telling the girls about that developer job. Did you send them your application? Steve: Application? They stole my prototype! Betty: Yes, dear, but they have more money than you. Steve: I'm not going up to someone who stole my prototype and flooded the market with it and asking them for help. What do you want me to say? Here's my new invention. Please sodomize me with it some more. Now I have to invent a new one that can fit neatly into a lady's purse. I should have known I couldn't trust those people. They're... (muttering) Presbyterian. Gert: I'm Presbyterian. You got a problem with Presbyterians? Betty: Maybe we both have a problem with Presbyterians...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.