Blanche's Turn

(It's sexy young Grandma Blanche's turn to host the card party for her gang of sexy young grandma's.) Gert: I don't like the way it's changed you. You've been getting more and more withdrawn. Blanche: I must tune into the Cosmic One. Ethyl: Does he ever tell you to straighten up this place? I can't tell if I'm coming or going in here. Blanche: I like the way it looks. Millie: I don't know, Blanche. This new religion of yours gives me the creeps. Are you sure it's not a cult? Blanche: Sigh! In this land of the free, why can't you accept my religion? (She pulls out a wineskin and drinks from it.) Maybe it would put you in a more tolerant mood if you had a drink of this. Ethyl: I'll have a shot. (She pours the drink into her mouth and spits it back out in disgust.) What is that? Blanche: The Holy One's bath water. Ethyl: Are you crazy? You could have poisoned me! Blanche: Does that mean you don't want to scrub the inside of a septic tank with me later? They give us a free toothbrush… Sensitive Phil (on the verge of crying) Hello. My name is Phil and I'm sensitive. Some folks call me Sensitive Phil. I had to quit my job as a kindergarten teacher. Those tots were brutal. I asked them if they wanted to play with Mister Puppykins and they all said no. And then I asked them, what is Mister Puppykins going to do with no friends? And one of them said, 'Get kicked in the face!' And I barely caught my breath when another one said, 'Catch on fire when he's trying to sleep!' So I grabbed Mister Puppykins and I ran away as fast as I could. Women only like me for my love letters... because they know they can get them from me without having sex with me even once! Why, bein' a sensitive man's hardly bein' a man at all… (breaking down) I can't take it anymore! Millie: There's something evil about it. Blanche: On the contrary, my faith in the perfection of the Holy One compels me to improve myself. Betty: (Observing animal portraits hanging from the walls.) I notice that you've taken an interest in wildlife pictures. Gert: And just who is this Holy One? Blanche: He is all around us. Gert: But no one can see him but you, right? (She rolls her eyes.) Betty: (admiring one of the wolf portraits.) You know, Robert Bateman does work like that. Blanche: No, Betty's looking at him right now. (Silence.) Millie: Are you saying that you worship a wolf? Oh, that's not evil at all, Blanche. Gert: So, striving for canine perfection, are we? What a crock! Ethyl: Wait a minute. How do they get a wild animal into the bathtub? Blanche: Tranquilizer gun, I guess. (Obnoxious background muzak) Vibrex can cause some side effects. In allergy sufferers it can cause brain hemorrhages. If your ears are bleeding for no good reason, consult a physician. And horseback riders risk a stroke from taking Vibrex. If you feel a crushing weight bearing down on your chest, consult a physician. Vibrex is also known to cause abnormalities in the sexual development of one out of fifteen children. If you are sprouting breasts and you are a boy, consult a physician. Live right with Vibrex! (Blanche is standing with a tray.) Blanche: Doesn't anyone want a Barley Banger? Ethyl: What did you use for filling? Mangled carrion? Blanche: You mean like the one you have hanging on that cross in your church? Ethyl: How dare you speak that way about the Lord! Blanche: Lord? Ha! Lord of the Flies, maybe. Ethyl: Sacrilege! Kill the heretic! (She leaps onto the table and marches towards Blanche.) Blanche: All hail the Dark Lord of the Forest! (She leaps onto the table to confront Ethyl. The two wrestle and their clothes are accidentally pulled off as the other girls try to separate them.)
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.