Nightcast: September 15, 2012

The more I shared, the more they stole. Good evening and welcome to Nightcast. In for our regular staff through the broadcaster's strike, I'm Conrad Reese, this network's executive director. (Clearing his throat) Up first, this network has been slammed with a whopping 1.8 billion dollar lawsuit for countless copyright violations (slowing down) dating back to late 2007... What the Hell? Who put that in there? Are you crazy? Stick to the copy I gave you! Caviar prices continue to soar since a giant squid appeared in the Caspian Sea four days ago. Russian sailors are too afraid to collect the tasty specimens, and their leftover stock is limited to the top two percent of the market. That means I can still afford it, but it's peanut butter for the rest of you elite wannabes. America's newest millionaire is fifty-three-year-old Sheila Jackson, a cashier from Renford, Oklahoma. The sole winner of the National Lottery, she picked up a cheque today for over a two hundred million dollars. Congratulations, Sheila, and stay out of my neighbourhood. Yachting enthusiasts may soon be getting a tax break. Lobbyists have finally succeeded in getting the government to declare the sport a religion. Hail Neptune! Moving on to sports, the Oakland Roughriders were purchased today by Jeff Morton, inventor of the music pump, while the Philadelphia 69er's were bought by Samuel Whitehead, inventor of the dance machine. The two football teams will meet tomorrow in what promises to be the longest running performance since Cats. And in business, the DOW hit a four month low and the dollar continues to lose ground, but me and my buddies keep getting richer and richer. And that's the news. What? Did I miss something? A skyscraper collapsed killing over four thousand people? Did any of them own yachts? Well then, who cares? The job market's too crowded anyway. Good riddance. Tonight on Backtalk: image. Why is it so important? Is it fair to judge people by how they look, or should we be focusing on other things, like how much money they have? I've invited one of those bleeding heart activists that I hate to share his thoughts on the subject, so you can all see how fair and objective I can be. His name is Perry Green. Mister Green, what's wrong with judging someone by their appearance? For instance, I look at you, with your long hair and dungarees and I figure you probably smoke dope. Am I right? Wrong, Reese. I don't even drink. And that is a perfect example of how image-based thinking has gotten out of control. But isn't it our nature to pass judgement on others by how they look? The dark side of our nature. The side that needs to be suppressed. Then what's the solution? How do we escape our nature? Blindness. Blindness? What do you mean? I mean that if people were blind, they wouldn't be able to discriminate any more because they couldn't see. And as a bonus, music would improve immensely. I guess that makes sense. What method did you have in mind? Bright light? Eye gouging? No. It would be more efficient to poison the water supply. And now for the most important question of all. Would I have to give up my sight? Probably not. Only tap water drinkers would be affected. Well, Mister Green, I guess I had you wrong. Thank you for coming, and good luck with your plan. Thank you. And that's it for this week's edition of Nightcast. I'm Conrad Reese saying good night and get back to work.
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.